A Search of Self ...
Today I came across this snippet of my life from 1999. It brought back a flood of memories I had since forgotten.
I have been reading the Chronicles of Counter Earth since 1975. As I read the novels I knew what is portrayed in them was . . . right. It gave a title or a name to what I knew to be the way things should be.
As with many, I am sure, I associated with Tarl. I lived, in my mind, vicariously through him.
As I first moved into the realm of online chat, I, automatically in my mind, presented myself as a Warrior, as Tarl is. It seemed, the natural thing to do.
I show you now what I posted back then for a couple reasons.
I want you to know that no matter what depth of knowledge a person may have, there is always more to learn. And I am no exception.
And, perhaps, this glimpse into my distant past will give you cause to stop and think.
Here is what I wrote, exactly as it was written then:
A Search of Self . . .
I had a long conversation with a good friend of mine the other night. During this conversation he ask of me a simple, undemanding but profound and soul piercing question; "What is your Caste?"
I answered immediately that I, of course, wear Scarlet, of the Warriors.
He ask a few other questions on this topic and then the conversation moved on to other things. At the time, I passed this off. We talked of many things before and after this subject and this one part of the conversation couldn't have lasted more than a couple minutes.
But the question kept nagging me. I could not forget it. But I did not bring it back up, and here is why;
I was ashamed.
I am Gorean. I have felt this way for 25 years. Where I am, what time of day it is or whether or not my computer is on, does not dictate this. I do not "Don the cloak of a Gorean" when I log into a chat room. What I am, I feel in my heart. It is how I live my life.
I do not come to chat rooms because I can command slaves to do my bidding. I do not log on to "Fur". I simply enjoy the company of those who believe the same way I do. I am completely enthralled with the philosophy, the concept of, and the freedom of, everyone having a place in society.
But then, later, as never before, that very thought struck me hard. If I were to actually find myself on Gor in the morning, would I be a Warrior? Could I be a Warrior? . . . The answer is glaringly clear to me now . . . No.
And that is why I am ashamed to have written upon my profile and at the Cave that I wore Scarlet. Before, I had not given it much thought, and now I know why. I know that if I had stopped long enough to let the question sink in, my answer was wrong. I am not a Warrior, I am not even a Guard. I have never been in the Armed Services, served on a police force or a security detail. I can't say that I have ever even held a sword in my hands, let alone fought with one.
No, I am not a Warrior. Instead I work in the manufacturing industry, I was also, at one time, a licensed electrician. My true Caste is clear to me now. I should be wearing Yellow. I am a Builder.
To have portrayed myself as something I am not pains me. I feel my honor, that which I hold most dear, has been weakened. But I know that I can move forward from this point with the realization that I what you now see of me is who I truly am. This forum in which we interact is no game. Those of us who come here, who believe this philosophy to be true, those who are truly Gorean within themselves, will understand this.
This is a turning point in my life. I hope I never delude myself in thinking I cannot grow.
This search of self has been challenging. To lay one's self open is a difficult thing to do and I offer this post with the utmost sincerity.
I wish you well,
Fogaban, of the Builders